Gardening FAIL

I dream of having a garden - a lush outdoor oasis with bright flowers, towering fronds, maybe even an ornamental pear tree gracing me with luscious fruit. I'd like a vegetable garden too, overflowing with such an abundance that I am constantly giving away fruits and vegetables until my neighbors say, "Enough, Meghan! We can't take any more of your bounty."

Unfortunately for me and my bounty, I really stink at gardening.

I've tried starting off small, first with house plants. Over and over again, I've prided myself on keeping a plant alive, only to have it die in my arms, gasping it's last breath as I cry, "Why, why?"

My first triumph was keeping an ivy alive for over a year. Ivies are supposed to be hearty plants, but then one day it started becoming sickly, so naturally I upped it's water intake. Then it started dying faster, so I decreased it's water intake. Apparently, decreased it to the point of drought, and it turned into dust and blew away.

My second triumph was keeping alive a potted palm Taylor bought me for Christmas two years ago. It lasted one year, and then got infected with red mites and started spitting out sap all over my floors and walls. I tried everything to get rid of the mites, but all I got was a sadder palm and a sticker floors. Finally, I decided to put the palm out of it's misery by letting it be euthanised by the winter elements.

Red mites also attacked my peace lilly, given to me as a house warming present, and grubs killed off my dollar tree.

Nevertheless, I decided to press on and start an herb garden, in a pot, where I could keep a close eye on it, once I got growing herb under my belt, could start a more ambitious outdoor garden. My first attempt to grow seeds I germinated them in egg cartons so I could transfer them when they were bigger, only to have the soil dry out and the seeds shriveled. My second attempted ended when I left the pot outdoors too long and an unanticipated frost killed my seedlings. My 3rd go was not a charm, because even as my seedling grew, they are now under attacked by little flies, who even as we speak are laying their grubby little eggs and eating my roots. I tried to get rid of them by spraying some vinegar and water on the plants. This succeeded only in causing the plants to whither - the flies seems to be as active as ever.

I'm quite discouraged, and an considering giving up and only planting silk flowers in my front yard. At least they'll never leave me.