Sleeping through the Night

We put Caleb in his crib in his own room for the first time. Ever since we got back from vacation, we've had trouble getting him to sleep through the night, but we hoped that with a dark room and less noise from us, he'd at least make it until 4:00 a.m.

He stuck to his normal schedule, waking up every couple hours. I had the extra trouble of nursing him in the rocking chair instead of laying him next to me in bed.

It was miserable. At four in the morning I'm sitting in the chair, rocking him and crying, wondering why he won't sleep, begging him to go back to sleep, and feeling like a terrible, terrible mother. Parenting at night is so much harder than during the day. Sitting there in the darkness and the silence I'm faced with my ugliest side - the resentment, the frustration, the impatience. Everything that is the opposite of what my child needs from me. He finally quiets enough to where I feel safe enough to put him down in his crib.

I crawl back into bed, where Taylor is there, softly comforting me, telling me I'm a good mommy, how I try so hard and Caleb is so lucky. But in the moment I don't feel like he's lucky. Surely there was someone more loving, more patient, that could handle all-nighters with grace and serenity.

Taylor holds me until he falls asleep, while I lay awake worry about the baby, wondering if he was too warm under all his blankets, wondering if I should go in an check on him, maybe remove a layer because SIDS can be caused by being overheated. I tell myself he's fine, to go to sleep, but the nagging voice won't go away.

I creep into Caleb's room, and look down at his sleeping form. I take off the extra blanket and place my hand on his tummy, feeling it's rhythmic movement, up, down, up, down. I stroke his cheek and whisper, "I love you." I know he's going to be fine.

Back to bed again. Taylor woke to my movement and knew that I went to check on the baby. "I told you you were a good mother," he whispers to me.

Later, the baby cries again, another feeding, back to bed. We wake on final time to daylight. Taylor goes to work, and I lay in bed with the baby. We're both smiling at each other. That's the beauty of the morning. A new beginning, a new chance to start over, and another day to prepare for the night.