*****
Some 30 or so years ago in the hills near Camp Goddard existed a secret science lab that specialized in genetics. But all the years of researching slowly caused the scientists to go mad, and in a dastardly experiment they created the ultimate abomination ... the goatman. Well, he was really a goatboy at the time, but you get my drift. The sight of the hideous creature they created caused many of the scientists to regain their sanity, and, stunned and shamed by their own creation, they sent the poor goatboy out into the hills near Camp Goddard to fend for himself.
No doubt the goatboy would have perished out in the cold, had not a herd of wild mountain goats came upon him. Being kindly creatures, they adopted him into their herd and raised him. The goatman was very happy, and he loved to tromp the hills near Camp Goddard with his family. Until one tragic day ...
The goat herd decided it was that time of year where they had to go to the grassy side of Goddard, and in order to do so they had to cross a major four lane highway. Now, this highway had just been recently expanded from a two lane to its present state, so while the goats were used to crossing the road, they had yet to experience the rigors of multi-lane traffic. They told the goatman to wait last, since he had never crossed asphalt before, and one by one they started to cross. The bloodshed was indescribable, but I'll try my best. Four semis, two SUVs, three sports cars and a minivan, all traveling well over the speed limit, took out the goatman's entire goat family. Staring in horror at the carnage before him, the goatman raised his cloven fist to the sky and swore revenge upon all fast-moving vehicle, in particular minivans, which had caused the most destruction.
After that, the goatman roamed the hills of Goddard looking for stranded vehicles upon which to take his revenge. Any poor traveler who found himself stranded would be immediately attacked by the goatman, who would jump on their cars and create a numerous amount of golf-ball sized dents in their hoods and roofs (the worse part for the traveler was later trying to prove to his insurance that he had be attacked by a goatman and wasn't just a poor swing with a golf club.)
Life continued this way for many years for the goatman, until one day he came upon a minivan broken down on the side of the road. Readying himself to jump on the hood, the goatman looked inside the vehicle and made eye-contact with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. It was a bearded-woman. She had fled from a nearby circus after being spurned by the two-headed man, who said she was just too freaky-looking for him. The goatman was so taken by her that instead of attacking her, he offered to take her to the nearest gas station so she could call Triple A. While waiting the standard forty-five minutes for the tow truck to come, the bearded lady and the goatman sat outside the gas station eating hot dogs and discussing life. By the time the tow truck arrived an hour late, all he found was an abandoned minivan, for the goatman and the bearded lady decided to run off together and get married.
And once again, the goatman was happy, tromping around the hills of Camp Goddard with his beloved. But little did they know that tragedy was to strike again ...
The bearded lady was convinced that the goatman needed to face his fear of the four lane highway, so after much persuasion, they went to the highway together. It was midnight, and the air was still. She began to cross the highway, reassuring the goatman that everything would be all right, when they suddenly heard the sound of a roaring engine. It was a tour bus for the Backstreet Boys. The bearded lady tried to run, but the bus managed to clip her and she fell to the ground. The goatman watched in horror as she struggled to rise to her feet, only to be trampled by the hoard of screaming fanatic groupies who where chasing the tour bus. No one could have survived such an onslaught. Tears brimming in his eyes, the goatman once again swore revenge upon all fast moving vehicles AND boy bands. He ran into the woods, and he has been living there ever since.
So if you are ever alone in the wood near Camp Goddard, don't sing "God must have spent a little more time on you," don't sing "Bye, Bye, Bye" for it could be the last song you sing, for you will be hit by THE GOATMAN. Muah ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA!
No doubt the goatboy would have perished out in the cold, had not a herd of wild mountain goats came upon him. Being kindly creatures, they adopted him into their herd and raised him. The goatman was very happy, and he loved to tromp the hills near Camp Goddard with his family. Until one tragic day ...
The goat herd decided it was that time of year where they had to go to the grassy side of Goddard, and in order to do so they had to cross a major four lane highway. Now, this highway had just been recently expanded from a two lane to its present state, so while the goats were used to crossing the road, they had yet to experience the rigors of multi-lane traffic. They told the goatman to wait last, since he had never crossed asphalt before, and one by one they started to cross. The bloodshed was indescribable, but I'll try my best. Four semis, two SUVs, three sports cars and a minivan, all traveling well over the speed limit, took out the goatman's entire goat family. Staring in horror at the carnage before him, the goatman raised his cloven fist to the sky and swore revenge upon all fast-moving vehicle, in particular minivans, which had caused the most destruction.
After that, the goatman roamed the hills of Goddard looking for stranded vehicles upon which to take his revenge. Any poor traveler who found himself stranded would be immediately attacked by the goatman, who would jump on their cars and create a numerous amount of golf-ball sized dents in their hoods and roofs (the worse part for the traveler was later trying to prove to his insurance that he had be attacked by a goatman and wasn't just a poor swing with a golf club.)
Life continued this way for many years for the goatman, until one day he came upon a minivan broken down on the side of the road. Readying himself to jump on the hood, the goatman looked inside the vehicle and made eye-contact with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. It was a bearded-woman. She had fled from a nearby circus after being spurned by the two-headed man, who said she was just too freaky-looking for him. The goatman was so taken by her that instead of attacking her, he offered to take her to the nearest gas station so she could call Triple A. While waiting the standard forty-five minutes for the tow truck to come, the bearded lady and the goatman sat outside the gas station eating hot dogs and discussing life. By the time the tow truck arrived an hour late, all he found was an abandoned minivan, for the goatman and the bearded lady decided to run off together and get married.
And once again, the goatman was happy, tromping around the hills of Camp Goddard with his beloved. But little did they know that tragedy was to strike again ...
The bearded lady was convinced that the goatman needed to face his fear of the four lane highway, so after much persuasion, they went to the highway together. It was midnight, and the air was still. She began to cross the highway, reassuring the goatman that everything would be all right, when they suddenly heard the sound of a roaring engine. It was a tour bus for the Backstreet Boys. The bearded lady tried to run, but the bus managed to clip her and she fell to the ground. The goatman watched in horror as she struggled to rise to her feet, only to be trampled by the hoard of screaming fanatic groupies who where chasing the tour bus. No one could have survived such an onslaught. Tears brimming in his eyes, the goatman once again swore revenge upon all fast moving vehicles AND boy bands. He ran into the woods, and he has been living there ever since.
So if you are ever alone in the wood near Camp Goddard, don't sing "God must have spent a little more time on you," don't sing "Bye, Bye, Bye" for it could be the last song you sing, for you will be hit by THE GOATMAN. Muah ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA!
1 comment:
Reminds me of all those fun nights I had around the campfire, singing camp songs and telling goat stories.
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