Fortune Cookies

As a fan of Chinese food, I've opened many fortune cookies over my lifetime, and I have to say that the quality of fortunes have really declined. Maybe the Hollywood writers' strike is affecting fortune writing.This is a barely concealed advertisement for green tea ice-cream. Which I've heard isn't that good.

Then there's this:This just shows a lack of effort on the fortune's part. I come to the cookie looking for guidance, and it tells me to flip a coin? That's like Ann Landers telling someone to see what Dr. Phil has to say.

I mean, how hard is it to write a fortune?

Thanks to the wonders of the internet, my point in easy to prove through a Fortune Cookie Fortune Generator!
See? Easy! Now make your own and show those Hollywood writers we don't need them! And then tell them to hurry back because I'm really missing watching new episodes of Bones.

Too Cold to Snow

Taylor W. and I were riding the T together when we were talking about the weekend forecast. Taylor said he didn't think it would snow, since the temperature was going to drop very low.
"What," I said, "You think it's going to be too cold to snow?"
Taylor then began to describe to me the scientific reasons why snow can only occur in the right temperature.
"That's why Antarctica is considered a desert, because it doesn't get enough precipitation."
I was incredulous, but since I arrived at my stop I told him he was probably right and left. But I wasn't convinced, so I asked a couple people at work, and finally, my mom. All of them said that yes, it can be too cold to snow.

Which just doesn't make since to me. I'm left with the conclusion that nothing likes to be active when it's cold outside, even snow clouds. Go figure.

Old enough to know better, but too senile to care?

Sweeny Todd

I went to see Sweeny Todd last night with a group of friends. Being with my friends was more fun than the movie itself. Chris has a good analysis of the movie, so I'll let you read his thoughts and know that I "ditto" them.

Happy New Year!

Laundro-Mat Doodle

Every weekend I do a couple loads of laundry at the corner laundro-mat. This is how I entertain myself. Since I'm pretty lazy over the weekends, this might be a regular feature since all it requires is that I scan a picture or two. What do you think?

And yes, I have major geek love.

Funny Prank

Click here. Then search for my blog. You'll like it ... or not. *evil laugh*

Veganism

While I was trapped in the airport on the Day after Christmas I diverted myself by glancing through the nearest bookstore. I'm always a little disappointed with airport bookstores, because they never have anything I want to read (i.e. geeky fantasy novels) and a lot of autobiographies of of left-leaning political candidates. I've decided I'm going to start using Barak Obama's title, The Audacity of Hope as my new obnoxious catch phrase: "Well, I don't think I'm going to leave this airport before I turn 40, but I have the audacity to hope the plane will arrive sometime this decade."

I found this little gem of a book, called Skinny Bitch, which is so delightfully annoying that I can't help commenting on it. Basically it's a manifesto on veganism painfully disguised as a witty, hip, in-your-face guide to eating. Which, in this case, translates into writing like you're 14 and using lots of profanity.

Now, I really don't have a problem with veganism as an idea, but I can't stand the attitude that seems to go with it. Adopting an air of superiority because you've chosen to due away with animal products is really not merited, especially when your eating choices make you a really obnoxious dining companion.

Their first argument describes meat as decaying, decomposing lump of waste, so ewww, why would you want to eat that? Except it was more like "So why in the f****** h*** would you want to eat that s***?" Well, dead is dead, whether animal or vegetable, so I would think that by this same logic, a salad is really just a nicely tossed compost pile. But what would I know? I'm just a fat slob who's idea of a nice dinner is decaying meat and potatoes.

The second argument was against dairy. Apparently "big dairy" should joining the ranks of "big oil" and "big tobacco" as an industry that's really trying to exploit people by taking their money then killing them. Now, this may be true, but from my experience, it's usually the people who don't eat animals that are interested in exterminating people. According to the authors, humans are the only species that drinks milk from another species and that drinks milk into adulthood. My response to this is that the authors are either A. Stupid, B. Have never actually spent any time around the animals, or C. Pushing an idealogical agenda.

I decided to test their theory on test subjects of both different stages of life and species.
Apparently, full-grown kitties and 8-month-old puppies enjoy drinking cow's milk. What's more, the draw of cow's milk was so strong they were able to overcome their natural aversion of each other and drink in harmony.

I've also milk goats on a goat farm, and the goats when nuts trying to drink their own milk, even the adults, so I don't buy that.

Here's something else humans do that animals don't do: actively care for the sick and wounded, not only of our own kind, but other creatures as well. We follow a rule of law, rather then resolving our problems through violent means (at least until we evil red staters take over). And we waste our time reading and writing on decaying remnants of trees.

Here's something people don't do that animals do: Eat poo. My dog seems to think the litter box is actually a treat box.

Now, I love animals. I couldn't live in a 650-square foot apartment with husband, two cats and a dog if I didn't. But animals don't deserve to be on a pedestal. Anytime spent around animals will reveal that on the whole they are selfish, gross, and nasty creatures that are mainly interested in eating, whether poo, grass, or each other, and procreating. After centuries of domestication dogs and cats are barely tolerable, but even thats only after individual training and time to make them worthwhile to be around.

Another things humans do is is allow each other to make their own choices on how to live their lives (at least, the humans who live in the West do. But still, it was homo sapiens who came up with the idea). So don't eat meat if it makes you sleep better at night. But don't look down at your nose at me if I do. Now I'm off to eat some eggs for breakfast. And my pets will have the audacity to hope that I'll share some with them.

My Birthday

Was yesterday. Yay! :)

Sales Seminar

My boss comes to me the other day and says "So, how would you like to attend this sales seminar next week?"

My immediate thought is "I think I would hate it," but I have learned that saying what you really think rarely advances you forward in life. So instead I said, "Sure." And then thought "Heck, if I'm getting paid, I'll wash your car for you. Oh wait, I've already done that. "

The seminar wasn't as bad as I thought. First, they served free food, which almost guarantees my presence at an event. In college I once attended both the College Republican and the College Democrats rallys just because they served free pizza. I didn't even hear what any of their platforms were, but I do remember the Democrats had a puppet or something like that.

The real purpose of my attending was not to learn to be a better sales person, but a better secretary. I learned all the new dirty tricks sales people are engaging in order to push their wares. One of the best was calling the secretary and asking, "Hey, is so-and-so out of their meeting yet?" The secretary will probably answer yes and the salesperson will have created the impression that he knows the boss. So sneaky. But now I know better. I feel like I was engaged in a covert operation to learn the game strategies of the enemy.

Inevitably, when you get a bunch of business people together, they want to start networking. However, networking isn't quite as effective when everyone is applying the same tactics they just learned together on each other.

"So Meghan, is your boss gonna be around on Tuesday?"
"Um, you know I was just at the same seminar as you, right? I know what you're trying to do."
"Well, I have some really great insurance to offer. Do you think I can drop by sometime next Tuesday?"
"Dude, what are you doing? We don't want your insurance!"
"If Tuesday doesn't work, maybe Wednesday? How 'bout it, Tuesday or Wednesday?"
"STOP IT!" I then grabbed a stack of my business cards and started flinging them at him like Chinese stars. "Get back, back I say!"

Needless to say, I'm not going to be invited to any corporate parties this year, which is a shame. That's a lot of free food I'm missing out on.

Meeting with the Boss

So I had to have a meeting yesterday with my boss. He always likes to start the meetings by asking me how I'm feeling. This is an awkward situation, because while he says he wants me to be honest, when it comes to the work environment, honesty is rarely the best policy.


Boss: "So, how are you feeling."

Me: "Good!"

Honest Me: "I want to cry!"

Boss: "So how can we improve your work?"

Me: "I need to start meeting my work goals."

Honest Me: "This is the best you're gonna get. Seriously."

Boss: "So how can I help you meet your goals?"

Me: "We should work on improving our communication!"

Honest Me: "Well, you could pay me to stay home. That would accomplish a lot of my goals!"

I'm totally Quiting my Job!

Why work like a smuck when I can get paid to play video games. This website looks straight legit' yo.

Operations Manual

So my boss decided I should put together a manual explaining what I do. That way, when I'm on vacation, another person can fill in my place.

I'm a little at a loss at how to write a how-to when my job mostly consists of doing whatever chores my boss has assigned for me that day.

How to Do Meghan's Job
By Meghan Plott

Step 1: Get Boss's To-Do list

Step 2: Do it.

Somehow, I don't think this is what he has in mind. I need some more filler.

How to Do Meghan's Job
By Meghan Plott

Step 1: Get Boss's To-Do list

Step 1.25: Read over list

Step 1.5: Make notes on list

Step 1.75: Doodle quick picture of a frog eating a butterfly saying "thems good eats!"

Step 2: Do to-do list.

Well, that's a good start, but it's not meaty enough. What else do I do at work?

How to Do Meghan's Job
By Meghan Plott

Step 1: Get Boss's To-Do list

Step 1.25: Read over list

Step 1.5: Make notes on list

Step 1.75: Doodle quick picture of a frog eating a butterfly saying "thems good eats!"


Step 2: Do to-do list.

Step 2.25: Take a break to surreptitiously check email.

Step 2.5: Grab a snack from kitchen

Step 2.75: Read over list again, make more notes, doodle some more

Step 3: Check clock.

Step 3.25: Check clock.

Step 3.5: Check email.

Step 3.75: Check clock, just in case a time warp occurred that you weren't aware of.

Step 4: Complete to-do list. Make sure to report to Boss how it took all day long.


Well, that's pretty accurate. But when I look over this list, I realize it's really not needed. I think anyone who filled in for me would have this stuff down pat.

If you're reading this blog, you must be smart!

And that's not just me tooting my own horn. This website proves it!

Cash Advance Loans

I found this link courtesy of my friend Chris. I consider him to be much better at writing than me, but his blog only ranked at a high school reading level. Which means he probably is a better communicator.

New Job

I got a new job about a month ago for a construction/remodeling company. I was sad to leave the real estate job, but I'm just not a good salesperson. My pitch somehow always turned into a sale for my competitor "Oh, you're going with another agent to see North Quincy, I love North Quincy!" Like my Bob, my old boss said, "Meghan, you're not a closer."

So now I'm working Monday-Friday, 9-5ish, and I have benefits and over time and the whole-shebang, which is an improvement over the old job, accept for the fact that I actually have to work. At the agency, I went home when I wanted, did laundry during the day, went grocery shopping, whatever I wanted. Now I arrive home at 6:00 and all I want to do relax, but the laundry is inconsiderate and won't take itself down to the laundromat.

If only I could somehow combine the best of both worlds, a job where I don't have to work but I still get paid for full time and get dental. Well, if this place doesn't work out there's always my backup plan - winning American Idol.

Sometimes Being Cheap can be Costly

Oops.

YORK, Pa. — A man trying to climb a 12-foot, wrought-iron fence into a concert venue fell onto one of the inch-thick spikes, impaling his thigh, then held on while rescuers worked to cut part of the fence away ... The man had a concert ticket, but officials said the group may have jumped the fence to avoid the fair's $5 entry fee. His friends jumped the fence safely.

Let this be a lesson to all my cheapskate friends out there. Someday, it could kill you! ... Or wound you at least.

Babies!

I love big families, and am trying to convince my husband that four children is the perfect number. He wasn't swayed by my argument that it's our patriotic duty to out populate the Iranians, but I think this argument might have a better chance - redheads are going extinct! As a redhead, Taylor is obligated to pass on his genes in order to preserve his kind! How could he be callous enough to do otherwise?

My Puppy is Disgustingly Cute!

... And if you disagree, you are wrong.

Typo

I flew down to Dallas last weekend for a wedding. I had a two-hour layover in Baltimore, so to kill time I perused through the bookstore and found this gem:
I immediately spotted a typographical error, and while it's too late to help Al Gore, I decided to do what I can here on my little piece of the Internet.
This is why I can't stress enough how important it is to have someone edit your writings. Otherwise, mistakes like this can happen.

Good Enough

A couple people I've spoken with who claim to be agnostic like to argue that it is impossible to know who God is and what he really expects from us (such as which beliefs about him or her are "right") and yet assure me that when they die God will surely give them a pass because they are good people. The criteria for their goodness is an oft repeated refrain: "I haven't murdered or raped or stolen from anyone."

Well, if this is the criteria for what makes a good person, then our expectations are pathetically low.

What makes a good person? Say we have man who hasn't murdered, raped, or stolen from anyone but regularly beats his wife? While the agnostics mentioned above wouldn't say he's a good person, wife-beaters justify their actions all the time: "Aw, honey, you know you shouldn't make me mad, I just can't control myself," "I'm just so crazy about you, you know I really love you," bringing their victims flowers and chocolates after planting black eyes on their faces.

Clearly this is an extreme example, but my point is that anyone can convince themselves that they are good people, because their circumstances are unique and therefore justify their actions. And the problem is, if God is unknowable, how can you ever be sure you meet his criteria?